I'm used to hear noise every time, everywhere.. like for real everywhere we go noise wont leave us. be it day or night.
and for me, i'd like it more to hear noise rather than to be all alone and hear nothing...
nothing as in total SILENCE.
for in every silence, i got the time to think of the things i should not think about.
i got the time to reminisce,
think about me,
think about my family,
think about what my life had been, would been and should have been...
and it almost kills me every time i got this time to think. i mean, why in the hell thinking kills me?
i don't even know the answer.
there's so many question in my mind that me, myself cant even answer.all the why's? i cant.
and it s*cks! really.
every night, when everybody fell asleep.
when all i want is to sleep
i would close my eyes, pray to God, talk to Him...
then later i could just feel my tears flowing from my eyes.
i never force myself to cry, and i don't even know why these tears fell from my eyes
all i have is this time to talk to Him and ask Him why?
i know i don't have the right to question Him, i don't wanna be disrespectful or what, but all i want is to know everything, even not all, but at least i should have known something.
its been 18 years of my existence and i haven't found the answers to all my questions...
why am i having such a hard time every night?
why do tears fall from my eyes each night?
why does its hard for me to breathe each night?
why do i have to pretend each day that i am fine and cry alone at night??
why do i have to be silent about what i feel inside?
why cant i ask them the questions i long want to ask???
why am i such a coward?
why me??WHY????
i never thought that living a life, that being me would be this hard.
i never thought that i could have a life like thisa life full of pretension, a life full of uncertainties,a life full of questions...
a life full of unknown realities.
i can't even be happy, it's as if i don't deserve such happinessokay, i smile, i laugh, but that isn't enoughbecause i know behind those laughter are the realities that would hit me every time.
the reality that i don't deserve such thing
the reality that i'am not capable of something
the reality that i don't even know
my own self
it s*cks right.how can you be happy, how can you be jolly if deep inside you your crushed. your damage. your broken.
and how can you be happy if the only person who could mend you is also lost and broken
how can i know the truth? how can i be healed? how can i be happy if the only person that can answer all my uncertainties was also lost like me.
i only want to live a simple life,
a life living with my family
a life with my father, my mother, and all the people i love and care about
a life living with laughter and happinessa life full of smiles, happy moments spent with the people i know can make me happy
a life living with tears, fears and real emotionsa life to cry, shout and feel all the emotions normal people could feel.
a life with no more uncertainties, no more pretensions and no more unknown reasons.
a life to live with the people i love..
a life with my dad and my mom.
i love them soooooooooooooo much!but it hurts to love them this much...:((
x
